MemberOctober 6, 2019 at 2:06 am
How do I make real, genuine friends?
MemberOctober 6, 2019 at 3:35 am
I must caution you: “”Genuine friends”” are a rare species. It takes quite some time and a good deal of luck to find one. But I guess you’ve found that out by now…
From the words you’ve written about yourself I surmise that you have been the ready prey of many suckers. That will have to end pronto. Those vampires are a complete waste of time and energy and I’m sure that you do not want those around you anymore -at least not if you can help it.
This is what you will do:
1. Reduce or break contact to any of the above mentioned. Do not offer ANYTHING anymore unless they offer something in return which is of effective use for you. The ruling principle with these guys shall -from now on- be: TIT for TAT!
NO exceptions! When they want something from you YOUR first thought will be “”What can I ask of them first that needs to be done RIGHT NOW?”” If you can NOT come up with something then tell them “”NO””. Tell them that you can NOT help them. Be(come) aware that you do NOT have to justify yourself for NOT helping. NO need for explanations! Just:””NO””. If they repeat their plea you repeat: “”NO.”” or “”I can’t”” If they have the cheekiness to want an explanation from you why you won’t help them you just say “”I can’t.”” That’s all. Don’t EVER feel the need to justify your decision!
2. There is no hard and fast recipe on how to make or get “”genuine friends”” but there are certain characteristics that you can watch out for when dealing with persons who could be proper candidates. A “”genuine friend”” has AT LEAST these characteristics:
S/he will ALWAYS treat you as a VIP (Very Important Person). That means that you are ALWAYS treated with respect, sympathy, empathy and loyalty.
The ruling principle between you is ALWAYS reciprocation. When you do something for him/her then you will not only be thanked but you will also be rewarded/compensated in some way or other. A “”perfect”” balance might not always be possible and is at times actually not even wanted or desirable, but there should ALWAYS be a noticeable show of gratefulness.
There should ALWAYS be a HIGH degree of reliability. That means -for example- that when your friend says s/he’ll be there at a certain time s/he’s got to be THERE at that time. If s/he can’t make it s/he MUST communicate such delay in due time. THIS reliability goes for ANYTHING that is mutually agreed upon. If you do NOT see such reliability in the person you’re with that means that this person has a poorly developed sense of responsibility. This means: S/he is NOT a candidate for a “”genuine friend””.
There should ALWAYS be truthful communication among you. No deceiving, no lying and no pretense. You want AUTHENTICITY and truthfulness. Don’t even think of settling for less.
THESE are the properties you want to see. I’m aware that it might sound a bit daunting. You might ask yourself:””Is there such a person on this planet?”” and I can assure you: There are. You might even have such a person in your acquaintanceship. You might have to look a bit closer. Maybe it’s a person who you haven’t given that much attention to. You see: Sometimes one must give other persons the chance to become a “”genuine friend””. There’s got to be some “”testing”” with the one or the other. As I have mentioned above such a “”genuine”” friendship needs time to grow and develop. It’s like a very sensitive plant that needs proper attention and nurturing to grow and flourish. YOU will have to be authentic, patient, reliable, empathic and respectful. ALWAYS. You won’t make it sometimes. You will make mistakes. There will be misunderstanding and misinterpretations. Such are the risks when dealing with human beings. But do not be put off by these. When you make mistakes you will take proper responsibilty for them. You will show remorse. You will show understanding. You will offer compensation for any damage you might have caused. You will promise to not make that mistake again. You will ask for forgiveness…
Such are the ways between friends -genuine friends.
MemberOctober 9, 2019 at 11:10 pm
Well, first of all you should have a very clear idea of what a true friend is. It probably comes down to what you think a friend should be. You have to know what you want in order to get it. I’d say a true friend cares about you as much as about themselves; they are trustworthy; they listen; they make you happy; they help you when they can; they spend time with you; they genuinely like and respect you, even if you are flawed or of different tastes; AND, they are someone you can do all these things for.
I think that if one really wants to, one can be friends with just about anybody. But you have to be careful, because not everybody is friend material. Some people are unreliable, or already have all the friends they want, or are too selfish to treat a friendship like the two-way street it is. Sometimes you’ll meet someone with great friend potential with whom you simply have no chemistry.
A true friend isn’t someone you can have a blast with one day if he or she won’t be with you in bad times. A true friend isn’t someone who spends time with you only to rant about their own lives or to get favors from you. A true friend doesn’t only seek you as a last option. A true friend doesn’t collect friends.
To find a true friend, you might want to go somewhere you like. If you hate alcoholism, for example, you might not find a good fit at a bar. If you like to read, you might make friends at a book club or store. Find places that are worthwhile to you, and there will probably be worthwhile people there. But also be open-minded. Know that a good friend can come from unexpected places. They may be someone you’ve overlooked until now, or someone you’ve had a feud with, even.
Another thing is to look at how a person relates with the friends they already have. See if the dynamic is one you might enjoy.
If you know somebody to talk behind people’s backs, or to change friends very often, or to do anything that may make you uncomfortable if you were in the vincinity, don’t make friends with them.
Remember that it’s better to be alone than in bad company. If you settle, you are not going to find a true friend.
The way I personally like to find friends is by not just going to the popular people. Go to the quiet ones, the ones who have less friends. They are often so much more real people than those who are constantly on the spotlight, and you need to find a real person if you want a real friend.
MemberNovember 24, 2019 at 4:33 am
True friends are actually pretty hard to find nowadays, because you want someone you can trust & can depend on.
I know I only named like two qualities, but just based on these qualities, you can filter out a good amount. There are definitely additional qualities that you can look for, but these two are the basics I think.
= Trust – No trust, no relationship. Like NO relationships at all. Like how do you even make friends with someone that you can’t trust? How do you trust any of your problems, private information, or money with this person? Well, you should aim to be a trustworthy person too of course first.
Like who cares if this person is rich, popular, attractive if you can’t relay on them for anything. Trade away trust and you are in for a disaster.
= Depend On – When I say this it means, the person will back you up and be there when you need them. I mean how many times have you seen a person that just flees at the sign of problems? Wow, that is sooo attractive.
If you need help and the person is chilling at dunkin donuts, probably not a true friend. If the person takes a week to respond to your text, you can’t depend on him to come to your rescue. The person can be the nicest person in the world, but you are looking for someone that you can COUNT ON.
You are looking for a true friend develop these two qualities and find people with these two qualities for starters.
MemberNovember 29, 2019 at 7:57 am
Most people have little trouble making friends as they go through life. I call these people: lucky. I had very few friends growing up. Like you, I felt invisible. I remember thinking that if I suddenly disappeared, the few who even noticed, wouldn’t really care. I was not sure my classmates knew what my voice sounded like. I was always lonely.
Social skills are not born into us; we learn them. But most of us pick them up so early and so naturally that we are not aware of having learned them at all, so we think we just always knew them and so does everybody else. Then there are people like you … and me … and a lot of other people.
We did not learn these skills naturally as we grew up. I would try to do what I saw other people doing, but since I didn’t understand where the behavior was coming from, I just imitated what I saw, I kept getting it wrong. For instance, you know how people will playfully insult each other? Well, I tried doing that, but I just ended up actually insulting people. I didn’t understand that because I was very kind and giving. I found out years later that people generally saw me as a very kind, giving person who would sometimes unaccountably be rude and thoughtless. They couldn’t reconcile the two sides of me, and since they never knew which side they’d be seeing, they just stayed away from me.
If you are like most of us who are like this, you are very bright. One of the things that helped me a lot was joining Mensa. It’s a high I.Q. club that you probably qualify for. A lot of Mensans are like this, so they are very tolerant and, if you show a willingness to learn, will teach you. More than once when I walked out of a room, someone would follow me out and say, “When you said this, this was how people reacted.” I’d say, “Oh, no, that isn’t what I meant! I just meant this!” “I know. When that’s what you mean, this is how you say it.” or “When this is what you mean, this is what you do.”
You are probably very direct, aren’t you? You sometimes interrupt people, don’t you? You know where they are going, so you just want to short cut it and get to the point, right? What you need to know is, most people find that abrasive. You need to learn to go the slow route, partly because most people cannot keep up with you. It is frustrating, I know, but that’s how people are and you need to start learning things like that.
These are all symptoms of what is called Traits of Aspbergers. It is an extremely mild form of autism. This is not cause for concern, you do not need to get treatment, you certainly do not need medication, and this is NOT an excuse for your behavior! But knowing this may help you deal with it. People like this, our brains do not work the way most people’s do. I don’t understand why I have to listen to the whole story when I know what the person is going to say – and I’m rarely wrong – and I already know the proper response. But I have learned to do it, anyway, because that’s what other people need.
Read up on this a little. More knowledge can help you deal with this. If you happen to know a psychologist, therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist, ask them for some books. Otherwise, you will find a librarian to be very valuable here. You are different, but so is everybody, just in different ways. Your particular difference creates social problems for you. Learn about your difference so you can deal with it better.
MemberDecember 7, 2019 at 3:08 am
I’m afraid this question has more than one facet.
If you want genuine friends, its a difficult task. Not impossible but difficult. I say this because I have experience of being let down and letting people down way too often. I will explain why I say it like this.
Ever heard of the term baggage? Yeah that’s right, and there are times when you can’t tell some of those things to even the closest of your friends because you’re afraid of WHAT THEY WILL THINK ABOUT YOU, once they get to know that part of you.
Now that’s the fear of being rejected. You don’t have to feel ashamed of anything that you have experienced, it will shape your life for better or worse. The fact is embracing it. You have something that is difficult to share, but you decide that you will face it head on. A genuine friend, doesn’t necessarily be Strawberry Shortcake cute and sweet, and they don’t need to be your moral compass. But they would surely give you a dose of your medicine if they find you caught up in a mess that will destroy you in the long run or for a matter as simple as being right and wrong.
A genuine friend will help you unpack that baggage that you are so scared of. But the hard part is finding people who would want to be that open to you.
Now that comes from experience. From what I have gone through and learnt over the years is that, everyone is somewhat similar and yet different at the same time. For example, I was raised in a very strict family and my only defense was to resort to lies which was the norm in my household. So imagine that habit of mine creating a big No No, Bad Boy kinda image in my friend circle once they figured out I was lying.
Why am I being that open, because by accepting the worst is when people change to bring out the best.
So people who have been through circumstances which forces them to reject stereotypes and actually give a voice to their thoughts are more IN the categorization of genuine friendships rather than those who are mere puppets of social indoctrination. But mind that, people like these – the thinkers – they are easy to cut you off if they find you’re phony.
Another quality to look for genuine friends is to seek out people who actually care for you. How to spot a caregiver? Reflect on their behavior? Does it change? Ever? If they are the stone you can always count on to save yourself from drowning they are someone to consider for a genuine friend.
A genuine friend will also figure out the most crucial of stuff and problems you can’t ever possible voice in public. You will realize the purity of friendship by the clarity of communication you can have with that person where you wouldn’t feel shy in talking about the darkest parts of your actions or thoughts.
Just my two cents.
Best of luck!
Log in to reply.