MemberOctober 2, 2019 at 2:37 am
How can you make friends with people when the people where you live are rude?
MemberOctober 2, 2019 at 2:53 am
I am courteous. I love it. It’s my favorite.
But what I’ve learned is, courtesy can’t afford to blanch or quail in the face of rudeness. In many places, the prevailing manners are simply rude, rustic, frank and direct. This is not discourtesy.
It’s just their way. “Rude” is just rough, simple, lacking sophistication. You gotta problem with that? If everybody in a place interacts in a certain rude, familiar way then how are you to judge them ill? Everybody acting in a way that suits them isn’t discourtesy. One person sticking out and bashing all the rest for how they act surely would be.
And I’m sure you wouldn’t. You’re asking how to make friends, amidst so much rudeness. Well, your first step is to see it for what it is.
If it’s your preference to hold yourself apart from those whose ways are not yours, that’s entirely your call. But in such rude, homely and rambunctious places there is much love, much human connection to find – and much courtesy.
You must distinguish between manners and courtesy.
Or screw it, why bother! You could, they are different – but it’s not going to get you there any faster than just diving in. Some places I go, people bawl out the most personal questions and observations at me, or else they’re parrying and serving each other hot fresh insults (outright insults!) back and forth like the loving banter of siblings.
Have you seen this? It’s bracing, the level of love that can grow up between people who know they have an unbreakable bond. This is one manner of such love. It’s even more bracing when such bond is presumed or offered between mere friends, as if they could be kin.
But some people really hate conflict-styled interaction. And these overly-familiar attitudes make them cringe at best, or break and flee at worst.
MemberOctober 14, 2019 at 1:18 am
You may not be stereotypical but it seems you are dressing and acting like you are stereotypical. As in you won’t hold a conversation with anyone because you play sports. I know, I read what you said, you cant.
There is such a thing as social anxiety. As in you get nervous or freeze when you are trying to socialize. There are classes for people who have this situation. It’s unfortunate for people who are shy or have social anxiety that everyone immediately suspects is a snob and they think you feel you are too good for them.
How brave are you try something out? Since you are on sports teams people would immediately assume you are social… and that it comes easy. But obviously it is not. I dont know where you are from, but here in Canada mental illness has been cracked wide open. Anxiety is a form of mental illness. How do you feel about wearing a t-shirt saying something to that effect. Opening up the conversation in your school. Yes I know you are nervous to talk to others, but it might open up a conversation that needs to be had. People in your situation,,,, and there are many, would flock to you to talk about it…. maybe. It wouldnt be right away, but you would be getting a message out. Your t-shirt can simply say introvert? extrovert? which are you? very simple and not really committed to either way if it doesn’t work.
Another idea is see if there is a teacher that might want to start a ‘club’ with people who are having social anxiety. Of course it would not be called that. Either way opening up that conversation.
I know these ideas might sound stupid. Yes I am an extrovert and conversations come easy for me. In that regard, I also know some introverts who have had success in just saying I am not an extrovert. Very simple. Most people these days seem to know what that means. For me, if someone tells me that, I will be more gentle with my conversation. I usually have a good read on people though. But not everyone does. If we could get people to understand there are really not that many snobs in the world, it would be surprising how fast socializing would take a shift.
Good Luck!! I hope I have helped you some.
MemberDecember 3, 2019 at 2:24 am
Remember that you are in their world and it is not them who must adapt to you, but you to them. That doesn’t mean you become rude also. Keep in mind that your perception may be skewered too. An example; I am southern born. For those not in the US, that means I was born on the Southeast coast, deep South, Alabama in particular, where Southern hospitality is well known. People are warm, friendly, people greet each other, take forever to say goodbye when you leave, and all that goes with being a southerner.
Years later, I married what Southerners called a “ Yankee”, a person born and raised on the Northeast coast, in my case, New England, the closest you can get to people like most of their ancestors, Britons. Gone were the friendly hugs, southern long-winded greetings, smiles and homilies. I thought they were the rudest people I had ever met. I fell into deep depression as I felt my southern friendliness was rebuffed. For example, southerners are quite demonstrative when talking, often touching a person as a means of communication. It’s totally unconscious behavior. While I was doing this, one person told me to quit touching them, in the middle of what I thought was a nice conversation. I was cut to the quick, though I didn’t show it.
Eventually, I had to stop thinking as I did because it was only making things worse, and me more depressed. Things were not going to change. We were not moving to the south. I was home, whether I accepted it as home or not. That’s when I realized that it was ME who had to adapt. These people weren’t mean. They were all being the way they were accustomed to, the way they had always been. I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS DIFFERENT. After that, and a lot of mental wrangling, I started looking for the traits I liked about New Englanders. I still kept some of my “southernerness”, but it’s been over 40 years, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the US. I love New England, it’s astounding beauty, the heartiness if its people, and their stoic and open honesty. I have learned they are the most humorous people, but their’s is a dry wit that makes one want to drop to the knees laughing. In other words, adaptability made my new home my preferred home.
MemberDecember 18, 2019 at 4:04 am
Be in proximity of a large group of people. The place for this may be at the office, in your classes, at the gym or in a fitness class.
Be involved somewhere where you’re forced to interact. It’s social convention during these events to meet people! It’s especially important, if you consider yourself shy and find it difficult to talk with people naturally. Some examples:
Dance classes – you have to interact with many people of the opposite sex to dance.
Improvisation classes – you have to interact with people to perform.
Sports – you have to be in a team and cooperate to get to a single goal.
Seek those who interest you. Of the people you end up talking to, figure out which ones are easiest to talk with – maybe you have the same interests or beliefs. Get their Facebook information or phone numbers.
Meet those people often. Especially when you’re bored, give those people that interested you a call. Let them know you really had a good conversation. Organize a time when you can get lunch or dinner. What about a movie? or playing a game?
Build trust and be vulnerable. This is a bit further on. But friends are those who you can trust with the experiences you go through in life. Learn to share bits and pieces of who you are. Maybe it’s you’re favorite childhood memory. Let them share bits and pieces of themselves as well
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